this mad woman have moved. if it makes any difference at all. 

http://thisisej.wordpress.com 

The White Rabbit was sweet. The cocktails, the people, the staff, the boss and of cos my girls and the mr fir aka my personal soundman now.

and mr castro went missing till this afternoon. wtf.

anyway, to make me feel better ( read : blow my own trumpet cos no one else can do that on my behalf) , To date, my Thumbsukka mix is still the highest downloaded mix in the mixtape podcast collective (asia)

wowzah!

quick update to remind myself of what have befell on me the last couple of weeks since thee day i hit my head on the wall while wearing the $10 shades at night.

- got a head-up by a very important person in the industry... for me to be part of Supperclub Singapore. wowness! resident dj.. event manager...server... lighting jocks... why not?!!! I AM SO GAME. will come back with juicier news.

- won the Juice DJ Quest 08, which made me the first female DJ in Singapore to have gotten that title since the comp started 7 years back. Happy, glad, elated but mostly calmly overwhelmed. strange. verdict from ppl on and off the dance floor : good flow with the most sophisticated sound, good crowd response, tight mixing, and good showmanship. *blushes*

- big big war with mr castro due to a case of mistaken hopes and expectations. I still have that image of him going up the stage during my set just to kiss me on my cheeks tho. never had him grant me that big of a public display of affection. wished someone had that captured.

- a Debut at THE White Rabbit tomorrow. Gonna be deephousing with a lil bit of funk and minimal in between.

- got a book published by Natalie Angier in 1999 called Woman - an intimate geography at $2.00 at Bras Basah. It's preface reads, "Anyone living in or near a female body should read this book" Gloria Stenam. i hope by the time i'm done with this, I can do my own surgery or be my own therapist.

- Been a surprisingly fairly good week for castro and me, despite the occasional banter thrown back and forth in lieu of the incident. and the blood rushes to the head moments has been more honest than ever. for the first time, in 2 years.. he had said to my ears, " despite all that, i still love you." gave him a straight face but since i am a quite a baby, i cried the minute i was left on my own.

-first week of august will see me playing for Zenith Watches cocktail party on the 38th floor of the Concourse building. 4 hr set and generous moolah. wowzah.

- i need to remind myself to get proper sleep hours before the body clock get messed up once the new commitment starts. It's not gonna be just another job..It's a philosophy which i dare say, I believe and will practice for as long as my skill is needed. "when u're in Supperclub, you're not in Singapore." thumbs up!

-to claim the 3 dr marten's footwear and the denon full dj set-up by next week!

okay. i think i am getting too boring.

i think i can no longer speak or write in metaphors. what's more in poetry, haiku or rhythm. wheres the beauty in being able to read between lines, the dots or the grays. urghh.

the weekend= blur. but the playback is so vivid in my head.how come? i am slowly coming to understand what it actually means by the law of attraction and what's the best thing to do when someone ask u to get the eff out of their life; just. get. the. fark. out.

Natural Highs
1. Falling in love.2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.3. A hot shower.4. No lines at the supermarket.5. A special glance.6. Getting mail.7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).12. A bubble bath.13. Giggling.14. A good conversation.15 The beach16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.17. Laughing at yourself.18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you19 Midnight phone calls that last for hours.20. Running through sprinklers.21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.29. Playing with a new puppy or kitten.30. Having someone play with your hair.31. Sweet dreams.32. Hot chocolate.33. Road trips with friends.34. Swinging on swings.35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.36. Making chocolate chip cookies.37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.38 Holding hands with someone you care about.39 Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.40. Watching the _expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.41. Watching the sunrise.42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.43. Knowing that somebody misses you.44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think ..

so ..i have been a wreck. and am still am. despite the composed persona.

but i've re-learned that life is not always in black and white. sometimes, to stay sane, u have to take in the grey as well.

Already in it's fantastic seventh year, the JUICE DJ QUEST is back to give local jocks a chance to make a show of their skills. We're after this year's talented DJ blood that can hold their own behind the decks and oil down the dancefloor. Promising to be a night of brilliant beats, breaks and bleeps,the DJ QUEST is surely something worth staying up for.

Catch the 4 FINALISTS:

DJ Leslie James

DJ Kian

DJ Roy

EJ

in action as the battle commences on 27 JUNE 2008, on the consoles of the Ministry of Sound ( Singapore)We will see you there.

Opening Dj Set by DJ Razaq ( Asian Denon Ambassador)

To get your free invites and more info on the event, log on towww.juice.com.sg/djquest

Registration for invite ends 12 june 2008

Club Koggala Village

Habaraduwa, Koggala, Sri Lanka
Located in the village of Koggala, just south of Galle, Club Koggala Village sits directly on a stretch of unspoiled, white sand beach and is 2 kilometres away from the city centre.

and yes, pictures always look nice on the flyers, on the screens, on the menu, in your head.. but my dear angels, i don't give a hoot. I AM THERE. ;P

Where i'll be this weekend. :)

A bit unconventional from the usual club setting, with a bit of a risk, but i'm sure it will be one hell of an experience.

I'll be back with loads of ceylon tea direct from the tea plantation. nice.

Miss Kittin Live at Lowlands

Simply Stunning.

in bed again, trying to figure out why i am not inspired to get new tracks for my upcoming gig in colombo. when did i stop being hungry for new sounds?

and also, why are there still some people who are surprised to know that i am actually going all the way to Colombo, to play. they were, i assumed, were assuming Colombo is some new club they haven't stepped into. as much as i know how these all came about... i simply shrug it of as a belardy ignorant green-eyed monsters/nincompooops symptoms. so the reactions came in many variations..in which you'll be delighted to know.

they: Colombo is in sri lanka.?
me: errr yeah.

they: wah!! you playing in sri lanka!!!

they:so where is colombo?

me: errr.. it's where it is. sri lanka. ceylon. rings a bell?

they: fuccckkk..

they: eh, u coming for jim rivers next fri? after ur set?

me: i doubt so ...( tho feeling a bit weird already)

they: why?
me: cosss...i won't be in town . duh.

they: where u going?

me: colombo la dey.

they: oh shitt. u mean , colombo as in that colombo?? wah!!! power!

me: ( fill in the blanks sss...)

so for those still having doubts and if you really have the itch to clear all doubts, you can come and send me off on the 21 march, terminal 1, 7 .15 am. emirates will be taking me there, and bringing me back, and if that's not enough, i'll do a live feed from club koggala village at habaraduwa, tho i don't know how i would do that. but i'll figure out.

then again, why should i bother. ? why?

perhaps these 10 days away from the rat race outside will lead to a comeback of this blog. that if it matters to anyone at all. oh well.

since i don't have much of a photographic memory, this blog has existed solely for that purpose so when i turn 60 with less than 1 RAM left in my brain, i can turn to this to see if my life is worth enuff to be made into a film and start to wonder who will play me then. ok ..

i have missed recording a lot of important moments here actually, like. the last few days at the ward and the operation theatre... (squirms), my debut at maison KL, leading to my meet-ups with some of the most fantastic and talented ppl in KL. not to say, maddest. and it also being my travelling debut with the loony i adopted ( read: the boyfriend) . peektures are spread all out in FB . feast on it if you want.

and next stop, Colombo. am not hoping much but it's sure gonna be a down-to-earth kinda adventure. with my chaperone, my udg bags and the painkillers :)

actually, there are a lot more. but i forgot. will return when one by one hits me in the head. and when i have the energy to elaborate. god i hate antibiotics. it makes everything i eat taste like paper clips.

p.s .. it's been raining like forever. where is summer? i meant, the sun. ?

debut at the ZOUK main room today.

Be playing with Darius and Ken.. for the Zouk Flea Mart afternoon party. Deck duties from 5 to 7. it's not gonna be banging. just deep.. and techy.

see ya there.

some smart-ass once said

"love is giving him the power to destroy you. and trusting him not to.."


lemme ponder on that for a while.

nye was weird. good weird.

work.is.hell

period.

I have to say ( and yes I am gonna say it) … It was one of the best night at PURE which came by surprise. Didn’t know where the crowd had gone initially but after I got on the decks for 10 mins at a freaking 2.15 am, they came in hordes. All seemingly ready to pull the ceiling down, and sweep the floor clean. Sticking to the deep and dark side of tech house and techno with a dash of prog, it was a risk to take for a room which is quite home to the funky electro sounds. (correct me if I’m wrong damian) …

I actually came prepared (mentally and emotionally) to have beer bottles and 5 inches heels (and other kinds of waste product) landing on my forehead. But after 2 hrs and 15 mins, I was pretty much safe. Even after 2 requests which I denied subtlely by first saying “ I’ll try …” only to have pre-decided ( no offence intended cos I love these tracks to death too)… that there is no way Gabriel and Dresden’s remix of “till there was you” or Sandy Rivera’s “Changes” would fit into my Booka Shade, Jona, Pryda, john dahlback, Nathan fake, lindstrom, aldo cadiz, shinedoe’s… menu of the day.….ok..simply put, I may be nice but I’m not an effing jukebox or ur top 40s dj. When will people ever get it? Since this question had already been asked for the last 10 over years, I guess, never.

Shout outs to AdamC, Ken, Terence and friends, Sonny and friends, Kazly who dropped by while still on duty at Barfly, Isa & friends, Amir, thee boyfriend (who could only be there to warm me up but good enough), Roseanna and the whole jing gang, Shidy, Eli!!!, Clive and friend, and all those faces i have seen before but whose names i don't know yet and faces i didn't recognise but they still rock the dancefloor till closing time.

Thanks for letting me share my music with you guys. It's starting to feel like it's better than sex. seriously.but chocolates still rules ok.

okay. stat checks (i,.e no. of downloads) this month for my mixes, courtesy of John Kuan from my official host, FoundationKL.org

Stickybeatz - 5667 (2223 last mth)
trancef*ck - 830 (3095 last mth)
100g - 176 (681 last mth)
and cyanide fix did 624 last month
Free.Burma mix which has been up for less than a week - 51 downloads.

yowwzza! am starting to wonder; what if i get a dollar for every download? in a years time, maybe i could buy over facebook.

p.s i am starting to miss writing in metaphors. this is so a-matter-of fact. help.

Oh. Almost forgot.

Am playing Boutique@PURE again this wednesday. Same timing. different sounds. but we'll see. heh.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

10:00pm - 4 a.m
Funky, infectious and electro grooves

"Follow the dead march of the drumbeat as the Boutique party drives it closer, harder, underground. If you feel the beat then move your feet to the pure flashing heat. Of subsonic bass, subterranean vibrations, minimal infrasounds. Featuring your mysterious beat shifters: Jeremy Lim, Jonathan, Ryan Lee, Miso Flamingo, and EJ channeling the future electro underground. Rise and wake up, before the first light hits. "

Cover charges on 24 OCTOBER:

FREE entry for ladies.

Men: $20 (incl. 2 drink)

here's my new mix in support of A FREE Burma Initiative by the good people of FoundationKL

TRACKLIST

audion - fred’s bells
lindstrom - breakfast in heaven
cagedbaby - hello there ( radioslave remix)
dennis ferrer - touched the sky (quentin harris dub)
jona - fisherman
booka shade - tickle
chaim - cosa nostra ( original mix)
marco v - helpless ( decaff and roland clark)
djuma soundsystem - les djinns ( swen weber remix)
depeche mode - enjoy the silence ( city zen remix)
the field - everyday ( original mix)


Click here to download ( right click-->save as)

For reviews and comments of mixes , go here.

if you had everything in the world, would you even take a look at me?
or do i have to walk past you again?

This is way overdue. but oh well. who da heck cares. (except me cos
it would be a nice way to remind me of wot i have been up to while my
sanity and memory were still intact)

so, Boutique is back! ( or should i say, was back! )

while i was in the middle of my set at O Bar on a monday night, i was called to play for the gig which was to be in 2 days time. Tho the week was already mad to the max, I said yes. *shoot blank bullet to the head*

but wot do you know? i must say, it was a great night. threw some tribal, tech and deep. held the room from 2 till 3.30 before the crowd was lured by the banging sound of the main arena. fair enough. the last half hour, i played for the most impt person; ME, and of cos the bartenders and the servers.

a bummer that i had missed Debbie's and Jeremy's set. thanks to the day job which was dragged into the night.

oh, wait. just one thing. it strucked me that i had so much of a composure behind the decks for the first time. (other than my own that is) . and i mean, SO MUCH. without the help of any forms of errrrr...intoxication. PURE had always been quite an intimidating place for me. makes me freeze at the wrong time, and "crisis mgt" is a killer. i hope to God it is becoming second nature. maybe. else it would have been the best delusions of grandeur ever, which i would dare trade with a year supply of hot chocolate. swheet.

my debut at eM Studio

tonite, 12 to 2 am

having a lil jitters here. a lot actually. been a while since i did a club set, especially for more than an hour. truly honoured to have Dj Yukun doing a warm-up set tho. and i can't thank Razaq enough for his confidence.

on the plate: house, tribal, deep, progressive.

www.em-n-em.com/emstudio

so i didn't made it to the Finals. i could have done better if i had not cracked under the pressure to impress and if Murphy's law just didn't stick it's face in.

go ahead world, sue me for i have always believed that the only competition is within myself, and that i so loathed to be judged, especially for things that i love doing, especially by people who has no idea what it's like to be me. hence it makes me wonder why i had put myself in that spot in the first place. i am the biggest irony yet again. God bless. :)

after a couple of tight slaps in the face, a long nap and a dozen of synflex, i thought it was simply natural to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened. so yeah, let's indulge.

"have the courage to fail big, and stick around. make them wonder why you're still smiling. that's true greatness."

i know i am not great. but i can be. and let that be on my own terms.

my heart is with all of the semi-finalists and the finalists. we have all indeed made it, and we're all champs holding on to different maps.

this is me after a dozen of tequila shots and a couple of breezers. so i'm not sure if i will make sense here. but all i wanna say is,

for once, i wanna stop being that someone, in fact, anyone, who anybody would only know what they've got until it's gone. hah!

sadly, i have come to a pt where there is no second chance. no matter wot.

i hope this all don't seem too much.

my 100g minimal electro set is playing on massive bali vibrations online radio tonite. :)

News: i got into the semi-finals of the Pioneer Juice DJ Quest 2007. yay!

if u wanna be present and give me a hug or two before and/or after the longest 15 mins of my life, details as follows:

Date: 26 June, Tuesday
Venue: Phuture, Zouk
Time: 6 to 8 pm
FREE

meanwhile, i won't be touching my bed till then.

simply.beautiful.weekend. despite the many many attempts to spoil it.

the nite-out with the 2 smart but seemingly madwomen. the dope set by marco v. the eccentricites of a newfound friend, d'arcy and his cravings for afterparties. on being featured in StellarMusicPodcast , SheJay and Blentwell . but most of all, on just simply having a lil bit more air to breathe. thank you world.

the most impt choices are the ones we're afraid to make.

or is that just a self-inflicting parody.

my new trance mix is up on FoundationKL.org

feedback appreciated as always. but pls be warned that it might be hazardous for the already depressed and the suicidal. (such as me actually)


TRACKLIST

oxia - domino
andy moor - halcyon ( original mix)
4 strings - take me away ( purple haze remix)
adam white - ballerina ( original mix)
andy slate - pleasure on me ( original mix)
armin van buuren - communication part 3
gareth emergy & jon o'bir - escapade ( original mix)
tripeclipse - comeback
effen - remembrance ( leaving it all behind) ( original mix)
activa - airflow


For direct Download ( right click-> save as)

yes, life is stil beautiful.
but i had it with the fucking world today.

to those who constantly seek my attention only when they're in dire straits, yet question and mock my reason for being less "complete" than they are, i hope, and i fucking hope. you'll. choke. to. death. with. your. own. smugness.

everybody needs an ego boost sometimes, especially after being strucked by lighting, survived, only to be knocked down by a falling ladder again.

so excuse me while i blow my own errrr, horn.


Date Sent: 5/29/2007 7:01:00 AM

Dear EJ,I just wanted to let you know that my girlfriend and I are digging your mix. We downloaded it from foundationkl.org over the weekend and have been listening to it non-stop ever since! Great track selection and lovely mixing.

Best regards from NYC,Dusko Justic


it works like a goood backk rubbbb.
check out this talented guy at www.myspace.com/duskojustic

theres so much to hate and love everything about the weekend. but God , despite his occasional urges to laugh at seemingly normal humans like me, is still fair.

am blessed with the consolations in the form of

1)a good warm hug from the birthday boy, albeit belated, in return of a limited edition trance mix which was finally completed after many many sleepless nights. ( note to self: i am indeed capable of creating somethin beautiful even in my most darkest moments). so, chin up you dumbass!

and

2)a debut at Hacienda tonight. a deep house set awaits. wot a beautiful way to end the monday and start the week.

i thank Mo Selle, sister morphine and James for their endearing support while i was struggling to find my bearings again.

"Who takes the A-train these days anyway?
Time to move on and move on fast I say." - excerpt frm THE Carrie Files ( thanks again sister.)

it's not gonna be a disastrous week as anybody in particular would have wanted it. it will be mad, like it has been these past few months but i'm taking it like i owe the world a living. self-pity is a fatal indulgence. i still wanna live kindly, practice my art beautifully, and savour the bitter gracefully. so i hope to God that this thing on the right side of my chest will take it easy. at least, while i'm still giving my blessings.

100g mix!

my new minimal electro mix is up at foundationkl.org . all teddy bears, bombthreats and love letters are welcomed. :)

100 g tracklists :

Loco Dice – Paradiso
Jamie Anderson – Time Is Now (Radio Slave Panorama Garage Remix)
Booka Shade – Trespass
Tiefschwarz – Isssst
Riton, Heidi – Vejer (Jess Rose Remix)
Pier Bucci – Hay Consuelo (Samim Remix)
Phage, Daniel Dreier – Bite Me (Original Mix)
Aldo Cadiz – Villaloca (Original Mix)
Electrixx – Mescaline (Original Mix)
By Fly – This Dream (Aldo C Groove Mix

To the sweetest man in the world, Happy 29th!

i'll always remember you as the one who i shared a glass of the seemingly deviliest drink in the world. it sux i swear. but maybe, i can give up all the richness of the world to get back to that moment again.

did i say maybe?

it's amazing what you can see when you really look.

but i still want him to get out of my head. pls.

i laid very wide awake at 6 am, despite the very long and exhausting day/night, trying to recall that very moment i started seeing him differently, which was barely 2 weeks ago - after we crossed path hundreth time for a few years. those were the years too when i could look at him in the eye, bitched, laughed, be present but silent to each other and not harbour any mush in the stomach.

now, even his mere presence makes me wanna bring him home or i'll die. heh. i wished i could rewind to whatever that striked my stupid nerves and erase myself. if not him. ( note to self: i shall not go back to the dark and painful side. i shall not)

but since i'm quite a dumbass, i don't want to. even if it's lending me all the disorientations of the world.

ok, mushy crap aside, shout-outs to the following deckmasters Effen, Josh P, Jason T, Godwin, Josh M, Marcus, Kennerve, Ken, Eam, Paul Johnson, Ramesh K, Kenneth F, Has, Damian Saint.

and how can i forget? the rest of the crews mending their own consoles, my dear mo selle! ( the coolest chic in the planet) , fahmy and gang at the lighting/effects console. (yeah, a crash course will prolly lead to me blowing up the main room. i'll reconsider. )

listening and watching them play/hard at work makes me wanna constantly perfect my craft. even if perfection is not even the best thing to achieve. i love you all deep deep ok.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

abstract from Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952

simply put, today is not a normal wednesday. but it rocks the same.

everysingle day from today, will be me looking forward to that gig in Bali. :)

who am i missing?

the playground has felt like home lately. at times the idea of actually going home, back to the comfort of my own bed, seems to be quite a chore.

funny how things could turn around after making yet another most difficult decision in your life. it's also pretty amazing what we find when we're ready to really see without prejudice. yeah, perhaps i was blind. but maybe i was just too kind. any idiot will know that the theory, " if u do good, ppl will do good to you," only works in a perfect world where the police comes before ur pizza hut delivery. note to self : dont expect the bull not to charge cos u're a vegetarian. say that again. dont expect the bull not to charge cos u're a vegetarian. cool. (i'm not a vegetarian tho cos i love cheese too much i can die for it)

so, my heart's an accessory now. it should have been by default.

need a really good sleep so i can recharge for yet another mad week. but looking at the servings on my plate, there's reasons to procrastinate. for the first time, tomorrow, i'm gonna be gracing the decks of the preety massive console at the Main Arena@MOS. *pats own shoulder and bang head on the wall*. why do first times always give you the creeps?

notes on the happenings this week:

balcony set on thursday - getting a bit stale here despite i am oh so loved. *bang head again*

amino on friday - the antarctica of the cannery. i am aching to introduce new sound to that room.

what's your poison@aurum on friday - push as hard as you want but do not steal the ppl away from the main room (if u can) . so maybe i'll play...err commercial jingles. ;P

programming and sponsorship papers to complete by FRIDAY - bigger darn.

i am missing those times when i started djing at my own time own pace or whenever these fingers itch. being on the official roster is definitely a different ballgame altogether.( i can hear my alter ego saying, " i told you so.") but i count my blessings everyday (really!) ..like this..medical bills for migraine: $60, new tracks per week: $100, midnight charges for cab rides home : $120. the opportunities and the trust given : priceless. priceless. priceless.

see! despite all the f-words thrown out, even to the blank wall sometimes, i still am that inspired. and grateful. thank you mastercard.

they say, you really can't have the best of both worlds , even if you're simply spreading your wings for a good good cause. talk about having one door closes, and the other opens. so to continue living like a normal human being, i have to grit my teeth and voluntarily kill my already depleting hopes which has been on pedestal for quite a few months. maybe with a soup spoon. screw all the politics in the world now.

Who do you become when the only responsibility you have is to yourself?

how can i follow my heart if you don't want me to have any.

the plan was to be soaked in the atmosphere of the main room, but most of the time, i was at Velvet getting high on Gilles Peterson, sharing the dancefloor with DJ Hong, Has, Tracy, Ken, Khai, jeremy boon, and Adam, who stole me away from the hands of some pervs who thought it's natural to grope any gurl who'se seemingly unattached to the hips of another dickhead. go eff urself mister. i wld rather kiss my own ass or even the floor.

so, i am starting to think that it takes a lot of me to take in the harder sounds now. since i've been internalising and playing out the softer side of house for the sets at The Cannery, it appears to be that my soul is making it's way back. plus i don't need to be intoxicated and i don't need 130 bpms to move me anymore. ahah! good for the wallet and prolly the ear.

shite. that reminds me. i have a mix to work on for balcony and i'm barely a quarter into it. please thursday, come a bit later.

dear mr i-love-you-but-why-should-i show-i-care.
do me a favour.
get out of my head.

was a good friday. played to ard 150 sober & not so sober people in a span of 3 hours at Amino. dropped some chill outs, minimal, tech house and deep house. rojak u may say, but we call it eclectic. and i don't know how to thank the guys at The Cannery f0r always making me feel at home. be careful there guys, i might not wanna leave at all.

BBBC wasn't so eventful despite Diesel rocking the decks, except for finally getting to meet Dj Kamo and the lovely bunch from KL. i'll swing by with my decks ok. just prepare the red carpet and the standing ovation. ;)

i am halfway between insomnia (i can't sleep) and amnesia (i have forgotten the need to sleep). which one i'm more inclined to, i'll decide later.

i am, much to my dismay, also trying very very hard not to miss, yearn, crave, want, pine, etc etc... for the dufus. but at 3 freaking am, the mind knows no logic nor reason. ( i hate these two bigg words). so it chose to indulge; and continue to miss, yearn, crave, want, pine, etc...ing... for the said dufus, leading to more petty thoughts of the what-ifs and the what-nots. apparently it's too heavy a task to accomplish without having the urge to plant a bullet to the head. ( i seems to want to do this allll the time. gawd.) i think i'll take a raincheck.